I came across this unfinished piece while sorting through my art supplies over the summer. “Triad” is a drawing of three baby bok choy cabbages that I purchased at our local farmer’s market one spring day in 2012. At the time I had just discovered colored pencils as a new creative medium (this was my third attempt at using them, “On the Vine” was my second), and locally grown food was my muse.
It’s a relic from a brief time when I was living the artist/parenthood dream. I spent four hours every day creating art while my then-one-year-old son Dylan napped. I spent my afternoons cooking locally grown food with him happily by my side in the kitchen. Evenings were filled with blog writing after Dylan was tucked into bed. Our days had a beautiful rhythm and routine.
And then things changed (as things tend to do). The naps shortened and then disappeared, eliminating my time to draw. Dylan ceased to be content sitting in his high chair while I cooked and became increasingly picky about the food he would eat (until he reached the point where he was surviving off of only goldfish crackers and chocolate milk). I no longer had the time to cook meals from scratch using locally grown ingredients. My trips to the farmers market stopped and soon my artistic muse disappeared. Dylan stopped sleeping through the night and I no longer had the energy or concentration for creativity.
And so this drawing was left unfinished. It’s been almost 5 years since Dylan started going through his autism regression. I now have two sons, Dylan age 5 3/4 (he’ll tell you that as soon as he meets you) and Shawn (Shawnie Boo) age 2 1/2 who are both on the autism spectrum. I also have a few small drawings and watercolors paintings I’ve done throughout these years, but nothing I would consider my true work like “Triad” or “On the Vine.”
Looking at this drawing I wonder what I should do with it. Part of me wants to simply throw it away, because in some ways it represents such profound loss…the loss of that dream life that I can never go back to. The perfectionist in me wants to finish it. I have all of my studies and notes and the materials needed so I should be able to pick up where I left off. But perhaps the best thing for me to do is embrace it for what it is. A perfectly incomplete souvenir from a different time in my life. I don’t need to complete it to prove that I have space in my life for art again. Instead I can create something beautiful and new.
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Lori, I have to say with complete sincerity, that I love “Triad” just the way it is. I am fascinated by drawings and have embraced them as my main chosen medium, though drawings are often seen as preliminary steps towards a grander process, whether it be for practice or as the armature of a painting. Drawings stand on their own, to me, as artworks in themselves. There is something beautiful about the way the process can be exposed and the result is that, often, drawings can illustrate a unique intimacy between the viewer and the object, and even in the simple art of observation. In many cases, it takes a far more skilled hand to manipulate space and form successfully in a drawing than with other mediums. One of the things I admire most, that I teach my students, and try to embrace in my work is the concept of “rest and concentrarion” in the picture plane. For many of us artists, we fill the need to complete every detail and nuance within the chosen space; to study it and render every twinkling sinew of beauty we observe. The real art, however, is to know how much we need to reel in and leave a mystery, to manipulate areas of concentration for the viewer’s eye to indulge and the areas of rest that sweep and tease to those points of lustre. Of course it’s always a challenge, because just like in life, this is an attempt at balance. I believe this is the dominating theme that most often comes through in your blog. Unintentionally, this piece is so sophisticated in its own right because it has all the form it needs sweeping us towards that gorgeous concentration in the left corner. It has a lovely mysterious seduction. Believe me, I know what it is to be an overachiever, to want every bit of space filled to completion, to have all those ducks in a row all pretty and perfect, but too much can deflate and defeat the balance we and our artworks need. What you see in “Triad” as flawed, is what makes it perfect and beautiful…just like you.
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